Caring For Yourself by Healing and Then Continuing to Grow

Emotional wounds are similar to physical cuts--you have to allow them to heal. In order to live a fulfilled, joyous life, you must heal from past traumas and the painful relationships in your life, be it from the way your parents treated you, how your previous partners treated you, or how you were abused or hurt by anyone else in any way. We aren’t telling you that your life will ever become perfect, but if you don’t work through your past hurts, potentially serious issues will present themselves in one way or another in your current your relationships.

Here’s a good example: If you are hypersensitive to infidelity because your father cheated on your mother, and perhaps you had a partner cheat on you in a previous relationship, you may immediately suspect that your husband is cheating if he is 15 minutes late from work. Without healing from your past, you may be unable even to consider that he might just be stuck in traffic, or have some other equally valid reason for being late. Such intense jealousy, painful to the person, and equally painful to the one who is late coming home from work, doesn’t just lead to a great deal of difficulty and tension in a relationship, but it will also bleed into innumerable areas of your life.

Imagine being that partner who comes home 15 minutes late because you were stuck in traffic. You arrive home now having to calm down the accuser. While you might at first feel flattered that your spouse feels so attached to you, such a situation would get old very quickly. It does not feel good to be blamed and accused for things not done, and deep anger and resentment will no doubt arise as a result. It also hurts on a very deep level not to be trusted by the person you love. If you are in a relationship and you notice that old pain and anger is resurfacing, you should consider getting counseling or therapy to heal it.

There are many ways to begin the healing process. Here are some of them:

1. Talk to sensitive people who care about you.
2. Read self-help books that deal with healing past hurts.
3. Attend seminars or workshops related to healing past hurts and related anger.
4. Do “anger work” that will pull you up from the related depression. Anger work will then help you tame the lion that might lash out and hurt others while you attempt to heal.
5. Continue to work to grow and stay motivated to be the best partner or spouse that you can be, even when you feel you have worked through all your past issues.

The more you heal and truly learn to love and treat yourself with respect, the more you will expect it from others, especially your partner or spouse. So healing works in many more ways than one.

Perhaps you have wondered what true healing looks like, or how you will know when you are truly “healthy.” Many people have pondered this question, and several studies have been done to uncover what truly fulfilled people actually look like. Abraham Maslow was an American psychologist famous for his concept of a “hierarchy of human needs.” He wanted to know what constituted a healthy human being. In the past psychologists had primarily focused on unhealthy and dysfunctional behaviors. His goal was quite the opposite.

Maslow created a model of what he called “self-actualization”--what a person becomes when all basic and meta-needs are fulfilled. He called this type of person “self-actualized.” He found that self-actualized individuals tended to focus on problems outside themselves, had a clear sense of what was true or untrue, were spontaneous and creative, and were not bound too strictly to social conventions. He found that these individuals have more “peak experiences,” which he defined as profound moments of love, happiness and understanding, and times when they feel more whole, alive and self-sufficient, while still remaining part of the world. Self-actualized people have an increased awareness of truth, justice, and harmony.

Maslow felt that the needs of human beings are arranged like a ladder. The most basic needs (air, water, food, and sleep) are at the bottom. Safety needs (security, and stability) are next, and then psychological or social needs (belonging, love and acceptance) are the next rung on the ladder. Above social needs are esteem needs (achievement, status, responsibility, and reputation), and at the very top of the ladder are self-actualizing needs (fulfilling oneself and becoming all that one is capable of becoming).

Maslow felt that each need on the ladder has to be fulfilled before the next need could be met, indicating that one could not become self-actualized (or truly healthy) until each of the needs are met in lock step. The underlying premise of the above is that you need to take care of yourself in each way to become a healthy individual. In other words, you must learn to love yourself, be patient with yourself, and do what you need to do to heal from your past traumas. You might explore how other healthy people live. When you meet someone who is in a happy and healthy relationship, query him or her. Find out what really healthy human beings are doing to stay happy and healthy.

In our society we often have the order of what it takes to be healthy reversed. We often put our jobs first, then our kids, then our relationship, and lastly ourselves. In reality the prescription for health comes with you first, then your relationship, then your children, and lastly your job. We like to use the image of a pyramid in describing the order or sequence that people should use to prioritize the relationships in their lives. If the order is reversed, as in the first description above, the pyramid will topple over, as we so often see in families where the priorities are out of order.

If you are not healthy emotionally or physically, you cannot and will not be able to give your partner 100%. At a minimum you will snap in anger, be irritable or inpatient, or sensitive and emotional. Your relationships with your children will suffer as well.

Here’s a great example of how caring for yourself first will help you take better care of your family. When you are on an airplane, attendants tell the passengers that in the event of an emergency, to put on their oxygen masks before helping a child. Why? Because you can’t help anyone else until you help yourself. Your children or fellow passenger might need your help, but you are no good to them if you are unconscious.

Another major reason why we discuss putting your relationship with your partner before that with your children is because you need to work on the issues in your primary relationship so they don’t trickle down and affect your children. Studies have shown that problems not worked out in one generation will be repeated in the next. Do you want to impact your children in the same ways you were affected in your family of origin, or do you want to be a better role model for your children?

Healing and personal growth will affect all the important relationships in your life. The happy news is that making an effort to heal will bring your whole family a newer and better life.



Dr.Robert Puff expertise covers stress and anger management, parenting, relationships, depression & healing from past traumas. As a therapist, he has a holistic approach to psychological issues. Visit www.DoctorPuff.com for more info.